Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Mon Dec 05, 2005 at 09:09:56 am EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #28: Now With Added Major Plot Twist and All Out Battle Scene That Took Weeks To Write
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #28: Now With Added Major Plot Twist and All Out Battle Scene That Took Weeks To Write


Obo the Indestructible: “Ha hah! I have a forcefield that prevents me from all harm!”

Mr Epitome: “Good. So when I hurl you straight into near Earth orbit like this you’ll be completely protected.”

Obo the Indestructible: “Aaaaaaggghh. That is so cheating!”

The Slob: “Yeah. Now I’ve got to immovably sit on the government stooge like this. I weigh megatons and I had curry last night.”

Yo: “You fiending! Stop to be breaking wind on semi-cute paragoning of power!”

Flame-O: “Ooh, that one sounded kind of wet! Meanwhile, let’s see what roasted thought being tastes like.”

CrazySugarFreakBoy!: “Or you could just cope with this enormous cosmic level pantsing I just gave you. Hey, stop looking so happy about it, wedgie-boy!”

Trickshot: “Hey, Dream! Watch out fer that falling rocket ship!”!

CSFB!: “Falling rocket ship? What falling… Oh, cool, it’s an identical replica of the 40’s version of the craft that brought Kal-El to…”

**Crash!!!!!**

CSFB!: “…to Earth. It’s a real honour to be crushed underneath it like this. Really.”

Hatman: “I’ll get it of you in a m-minute as s-soon as T-turbulence s-stops t-t-t-turbulencing me!”

Turbulence: “Hey, I like it when I make people shake their booty. How are you going to stop me, mountie-boy?”

Hatman: “I d-dunno… Hurricanes hat?”

**Crash!!!!!**

Turbulence: “Uh, yeah, that would do it. Ouch.”

Hatman: “Now to save CSFB! and Epitome. I’ll just…”

Miragemind: “Watch out for that ninety foot high Prime Minister Martin that’s about to tread on you!”

CSFB!: “Hatty, no, don’t salute! Watch out!!”

**Crash!!!!!!**

Hatman: “Ouch. Thank you kindly, sir.”

The Manga Shoggoth: “Why are CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Hatman both writhing in pain beneath common psychic projections? Is this another facet of human culture I haven’t grasped yet, like when people say you could knock them down with a feather?”

CSFB!: “Psychic projections? Illusions?”

Miragemind: “Er, very good illusions, though, and no offence meant. Gentlemen…”

**Crash!!!!!!!!**

The Jumbuck: “Bah, I’ll deal with them anyhow. I’m the best there is at what I do.”

CSFB!: “Yeah, well I’m the best there is at what I do, and that’s kicking the tails of crappy Wolverine wannabees. Let’s do the multi-panel battle scene, dude!!”

Flame-O, now de-wedgied: “Let’s see how well you fight when you’ve been flambéed, wired weenie!”

Trickshot: “Wow, of all the corny dialogue I ever heard, that’s gotta be a contender. Here, have an electroshock arrow where the sun don’t shine.”

Flame-O: “Intriguing.” *falls over, twitching and smiling*

Dancer: “Trickshot, over here. I need your help!”

Trickshot: “What’s the problem, darling? You got a run in your leotard or sumptin’?”

Dancer: “That’s right. Look, do you think you could just help me untwist my danskin? Just pull it down a little. Put your hands right there and… hah, sucker!” *she shifts back to being the shapeshifting Fatale and clobbers the archer*

Tricky: “Was still worth it…”

Hatman, limping: “Now to save Epitome from the flatulence of the Slob. I only need to… to…” *bursts into tears*

The Wailer: “Yes, weep little Canadian. My sonic shriek turns any hero into a blubbering wreck within seconds! Lie there sobbing and contemplate how sad you are.”

Hatman: “…never got a snowboard when I was five, and then the moose died and…”

Yo: “Is to be cheering up, cute Hatty! Is to be remembering cute limited series with cute-and-furry Zdenka Zarazoza, and of time you are to be getting of knighthood in Untold Tales, and of how happy is to be making you to be smiting of evil.”

The Wailer: “Even you can’t resist my power, you insignificant thought being!”

**Crash!!!!!!!!!!!**

The Wailer: “Or maybe you can.” *collapses in heap*

The Slob: “No point trying to get me off this star spangled stupid, heroes. Nothing can move the Slob! Also, I’m sweating too profusely to get a firm hold of me now.”

The Shoggoth: “I wasn’t going to move you. I was going to shift time/space around you, fold the local continuum through a few demiplanes I invented last night, then transmigrate your three-dimensional corporeal essence through an interstitial fold to reintegrate it over there. Slurp!”

The Slob: “Aaaaaaaahhh!!!! The fimbles! The terrible squirming squamous fingles!!!!!!!!”

Epitome: “We don’t want to know, right, Shoggoth?”

The Shoggoth: “It all seems perfectly simple to me. I’ll happily explain it later if you could just ask them to have a rubber room ready for you.”

Kismet: “You think you’re very clever, little elder being. But I have seen the future, and now I show it to you!”

The Shoggoth, trembling: “No… No!!!! It can’t be! Noooooo!!!!”

Hatman: “What is it? What do you see?”

CSFB!: “Has to be something horrible. Another HH mega-series?”

The Shoggoth, dissolving to goo: “Cancelled… cancelled… Unfinished… And I had the whole series…”

CSFB: “Whoa, that’s even worse. That poor guy!”

Morbido the Magnificent: “That’s enough of that. Time to use my powers to replicate the abilities of any dead mutate I happen to be touching. Like these Magnetic Techbird powers to hammer you down by the iron in your blood then wrap you in these army tanks and hurl you out into space on a collision course with the Sun!”

Hatman: “I hate when that happens.”

Epitome: “Shoggoth, don’t ooze off. We need you to create a breathable shell round us.”

Trickshot: “Because breathing Shoggoth goo is so much better than dying. Ack!”

Yo: “Yo is thinking to be nice view from upper atmosphere. And look, is to be uncute obo the Indestructible over there. Everyone to be waving!”

Dancer, gently sending Kismet into a geriatric afternoon nap: “Well, that’s cleared the battlefield alarmingly well. But where’s that Vermillion Vex? I’ve been specially waiting to get my hands on her, that hex-using villainess!”

Pricilla DuBois, cowering behind Visionary: “Who knows? Maybe she didn’t show up this time?”

Dancer: “That can’t be. I can feel the witch twisting events around us. I can hardly counter her.”

The Slug: “Too bad, my pretty, because now nothing can save you from my sticky fingers of narcotic hallucigen sliming.”

**Crash!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Dancer: “Like I haven’t had years of practise with dates with sticky fingers of hallucigen sliming.”

The Slug: “Yes, I can see that now. I’ll just lie here and pass out if that’s okay by you. Then later I can look for my genitalia.”

Dancer: “Sure, fine, no problem.”

Visionary: “Don’t be afraid, Pricilla. We’ll take care of these evil mutates and get you to safety. Yo, CSFB!, Epitome, Hatman, Trickshot, and the Shoggoth may be in a big metal ball heading for the sun, but Dancer is still in combat. And… when did Yuki get here?”

Yuki: “What, you think I’m going to miss a major combat like this one? Hey, Dancer, come here a second.”

Dancer: “Yes? You’ve found a way to deal with Morbido’s powers?”

Yuki, clobbering Dancer and changing back into Fatale: “I always found being on his side worked pretty well!”

Visionary: “Hey, no fair! You can’t do that when she was winning!”

De Brown Streak, clobbering Fatale: “Right. Nobody beats up on the hotties in the Lair Legion while DBS is on the job!”

Vizh: “It’s a huge relief to know that you’re still on our side. Your twin sister and I were very worried when we learned you were the son of Morbido the Magnificent and… and…”

Pricilla: “Yes? You have a question?”

Vizh: “You… he… Morbido… Josh is Mordido’s son and you’re Josh’s twin sister, so…”

Pricilla: “Oh, so now you’re judging me by my relatives? I didn’t say anything when you got adopted by the Shepherdsons, did I? I mean, who’s worse, Morbido or Kerry’s mother?”

DBS: “She has a point.”

Pricilla: “Besides, just because he’s an evil archvillain doesn’t make me a bad person. It’s not like I go around as the Vermillion Vex hexing people so their worst nightmares happen to them, is it? I thought you weren’t a judgemental guy, Vizh. Was I wrong?”

DBS: “Yeah, Pricilla, except that you actually are…” *slips on a patch of Slob-sweat and falls over*

Vizh: “You don’t need to be scared, Pricilla. The Botherhood are all down except your, um, your father, so all I need to do is beat him in single combat and…”

Pricilla: “You’re not kidding, are you? You’d really…” *Gets slammed to the floor by a Sentinoid*

DBS: “Hey? What?” *Gets slammed to the floor by another Sentinoid*

General Rott: “That’s it, boys. Contain all the muties and we’ll sort ‘em out later! Use the new generation Sentinoids with the antimagnetic protection fields. And the Presidential logos. Make sure the logos are towards the TV cameras. We’ll soon bring these scum under control!”

Vizh: “Hey, get off Pricilla! You’re hurting her!”

DBS: “Hey, get off Pricilla! Before I start hurting you!”

Morbido the Magnificent: “Hey, get off my son and daughter before I start destroying this state.”

Pricilla: “I feel so loved.”

Herbert Garrick: “So it’s true! De Brown Streak is the heir of notorious mutate terrorist Morbido the Magnificent, and he was a plant in the Lair Legion feeding back information to bring about the downfall of humankind!”

DBS: “What? No! I just…”

Garrick: “You can’t fool us now, Clement. The world has seen you on TV battling the Sentinoids to help the Botherhood!”

DBS: “Hey, all I was…”

Vizh: “Hold on, Pricilla, I’ll get you out.”

Pricilla: “Quiet, I’m concentrating.”

Garrick: “And… and now I’m going to authorise the use of our new anti-mutate range weapon. It’ll wipe out all mutate powers in a five mile radius. Activate!”

DBS, streaking forward to dismantle the big device in under half a second: “No, that’s quite enough. That’s all I can stand cause I can’t stands no more!”

Pricilla: “Josh, no! Don’t join with your father and run away with the Botherhood of Evil Mutates! Don’t turn your back on the only friends you’ve known and become an outcast wanted by every law enforcement agency on the planet! Don’t suddenly turn evil and stand at your father’s side in dominating the world and enslaving all mankind!”

DBS: “What? I never said…”

General Rott: “All Sentinoids, pile in! Destroy De Brown Streak before he can… all that stuff she said.”

Visionary: “Hold still, Pricilla. I think I can prise you out of that Sentionid’s grip. They’re surprisingly ticklish right under the arm casing.”

DBS: “Will you Sentinoids please stop trying to destroy me?”

Garrick: “I’m going to bill you for that weapon, you know!”

DBS: * Thumps Garrick. Hard *

Struggling mutate protestors: “Yay!”

Pricilla screams: “Josh! You hit him too hard! You’ve killed him!”

DBS: “I what? No, I just thumped him for being the annoying little weasel he is. I couldn’t have… I didn’t…”

Gen. Rott: “He’s murdered Agent Garrick! Get him!”

Mordido the Magnificent: “You forget the powers of the late, great Vanishing Cream!” *Grabs a fingerbone from his belt and then splurges himself, the Botherhood, and Josh. They all vanish*

Pricilla: “My brother! He’s escaped… and he’s joined with my evil father to conquer the world!”

Vizh: *comforts her*

There’s a transdimensional twist and bubble as the Shoggoth warps the rest of the Legion back to Earth. Trickshot: “Hi guys! Did we miss anything?”

To be continued…




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